The Turtle Bay House is known for the exceptional services and amenities provided to each guest.  We cater to each guest individually and we will pamper you in every way possible.

Among the services we provide are assisted baths by a leering fat bastard (for young women only).  These baths can be taken in the garden, weather and spouse permitting, or behind locked doors away from inclement weather and prying eyes.

Do try the outdoor steam bath.  Though it can get a little cold in the winter, it's well worth the frostbite.  You'll feel clean, fit and tough as steel when you are done.

And you mustn't forget the picnics in the garden (clothes optional, conversation extraordinary).

There's also the mother and child assistance service.  Includes complimentary wax fruit and one nose picking session by our board certified nostril excavator.